Sometimes it is accurate to explain that an encounter is not “just about the sex.” More often, however, that phrase comes in the form of an expression of shame. These dates offer no such apology; they are proudly “just about the sex.” The homework is also proudly sexual. After each date, you and your partner will have a chance to define your sexual wants and needs further.

THE DATE: OPEN YOUR OWN SEX-TOY STORE

Sex-related commerce often vulgarizes sexuality. Strip clubs, massage parlors, and adult bookshops aren’t typically hot spots for dating couples. If you hear the phrase “sex-toy store” and imagine a dimly lit shop in a less-than-wonderful neighborhood, reality supports the stereotypical image more often than not. Woman-owned sex-toy stores offer a refreshing contrast. The stores are clean and tastefully decorated, and the polite, well-informed staff manages to balance deference and helpfulness. On this date, both you and your partner are going to acquire fun new toys—and then open up a sex-toy shop for yourself in the bedroom.

Gadgets designed to make sex more enjoyable are correctly called toys. Thinking about sex as play will liberate you and your partner from an outcome-based attitude toward sexuality. Play on your SEX dates without keeping score; don’t count orgasms or spend a single moment figuring out whether this time was better than the last time. Sexual pleasure is a valid end in and of itself. Nothing speaks to this truth quite like buying a sex toy does. Sophisticated lovers are not threatened by explicit images or by happy gadgets. Instead, they relish having sex partners who creatively take responsibility for their own sexual well-being.

Depending on where you live, locating a positive place to buy a vibrator, dildo or sensual game might be really easy or might require some creative planning. If you live near a big city or in one of several progressive smaller towns, you can find a shop by browsing through alternative weekly and gay newspapers where the stores usually advertise. The SEX Resources at the end of this section also list some noteworthy stores.

If you live far away from a progressive place, don’t feel like you must shop on the internet and wait for a discreetly wrapped package to arrive. Outside of major metropolitan areas, a cottage industry of Tupperware®-style sex-toy distributors are subtly altering the sex-toy industry by hosting parties and giving out samples. Going under names like Passion Parties®, independent distributors work hard to demystify this industry. There’s value in chatting with someone about sexual pleasure frankly and openly. Since these party hosts rarely have inventory on hand, shopping with them turns this experience into two dates. On the first you attend a toy demonstration party, and on the other you open up your own shop just for your partner.

Finally, if you and your significant other live on an Aleutian Island with few neighbors, no sex-toy gatherings and aren’t planning to come to Seattle for six months, feel free to browse the website of one of the pioneering shops listed in the SEX Resources section. Then pick up the phone and place a call to the store. Both partners should stay on the line and ask at least one question before you place your order.

Locating a toy source allows you to plan your date. During the first part of the date, you select the toys. Once you have the toys in hand, you’re ready to become an entrepreneur. You won’t need a business license or special zoning to open your own shop—in your bedroom. After getting your toys home, decide who will be the shop owner and who will be the customer. The owner gets 15 minutes to set up a display and prepare the store. A card table covered with a drape or towel can show off your wares, both new and well loved. If you two have been buying toys for years, seeing old favorites is bound to impress your partner. When you’re ready, tape a handwritten OPEN sign to the door and invite your eager customer inside.