Prom Night

You and your partner are going on a time-travel date. Jump into the way-back machine (you need not disclose how far back) and pick the perfect song. It’s prom night all over again—but on this trip you’re guaranteed a good time.

Prom is a lusty night of flash and glamour. It’s the soundtrack of everyone’s first time, even if your first time happened before or after prom. Prom is an irresponsible treat, a wedding without the obligation of relatives or a graduation without the boring speakers. It should be a great deal of fun. Prom should explode like fireworks set to the score of a slightly nauseating teen romance movie.

Prom sounds great, but then is interrupted by reality. On the real prom night, you drink too much and awkwardly throw up on a fancy dress or rented tuxedo just before or after the extraordinarily anticlimactic 90-second sexual event.

But what if you could go back in time and grab the energy of prom without the angst? What if the beverages fueling the fun weren’t wine coolers but something your stomach actually welcomed? What if you could get all dressed up and not fret about what you were wearing? Fortunately, you and your partner can and soon will.

This time around, prom can be silly or serious, Goodwill or Gucci—but there is one rule for the successful retro-prom. You and your date cannot sleep nor have sex in your customary bed. Not this night. No whining. Tonight is about cramped, inconvenient, sneaky, outrageously good sex. You are forbidden to spend this evening in the same place—or in the same position—as any other night.

Figure out a budget. Low rent or big blowout? Having a budget will keep the potential scandal to a minimum. Prom, after all, has the potential to be quite pricey, and this time Mom and Dad are not footing the bill. Indeed, prom night has the potential to be the most expensive date in this guide, but it is also possible to have a great prom and spend very little money.

Then decide if you’re going serious or silly. If you opt for serious, think black. Black tuxedo. A little black dress. Dinner at a fancy French restaurant. But remember, serious does NOT mean somber. You’re not required to act your age. Rather, when you choose serious, you’re accepting prom at face value and you become willing to create, or re-create, the lusty, loving parts of that evening with a smile.

Silly means you cannot possibly take the idea of going to prom seriously—after all, you pay your own mortgage now—but you’re excited about the highjinks of prom. Silly means a blue tux with a ruffled shirt, even if you didn’t wear those clothes back in the day. Silly means a dress you will never, ever wear again, but at least you, not a bride with a weakness for green chiffon, get to pick it. Silly means dinner at the roadside diner just to watch people watching you. Serious wears black, lacy underwear; silly doesn’t wear any at all.

Silly doesn’t necessarily mean inexpensive - bohemians, after all, are permitted to participate in capitalism. Silly people can and do schedule grand fiestas. Nothing says you’ve made it quite the same way a bright orange limo or a rented hot tub does.

Budget and attitude selected, you and your sweetie can start working on decorations and a theme. The unlimited options for venues in which a DJ will play songs for you is one of the many great things about being over 21 and going to prom. Sometimes, organizations put on second-chance proms. Charity balls, auctions and theme dances are all perfect venues for getting seriously dressed up, but are just one option for creative daters. Prom is always happening wherever the Rocky Horror Picture Show is playing, and the not-so-serious can co-opt any club holding an ‘80s or disco night. Gay bars with big dance spaces are also spots where the nattily dressed won’t be greeted with hostile stares.