There are probably weed seeds in your relationship. Unresolved hurt and anger wait to emerge and wreck a weekend or distress an entire relationship. Maybe you’ve talked about a lie or a breach of trust and worked it out in your mind, but the lingering emotion prevents new intimacy. Maybe your partner once made you mad and promptly apologized, but you still silently seethe. The next new moon is the perfect time to get rid of all that unresolved anger and hurt.

You and your partner don’t have to wait for spring in order to start a new relationship year. On this date, you’ll make your own fire and begin your own tradition. Fire has symbolic and practical purposes. Farmers still light their fields on fire to burn weed seeds and prepare for new planting. Gathering around a fire, any fire, brings a special intimacy and reminds us of our basic needs. Forgiveness and inclusion rank with food, shelter, clothing, and fire as absolute essentials for couples trying to bridge the gap between surviving and thriving.

In the days before your date, write down all the things you’re upset about. Dredge up the mistakes, the failings, and the disappointments in your relationship, and write them down. Make a deal that you won’t look at each other’s lists (hiding your list will help prevent temptation) and use this exercise like a confession. Write the furious letter you know you should not send, confess any deeds you know are better left alone, and realize that your partner is as flawed as you are. As you write, remember that you have also disappointed your partner. He or she is working up a fury with a pencil. Both of you deserve to sit in the corner for a long, long time but instead you’re both going to burn the letters and begin a new chapter in your relationship.

Ideally, you and your partner will take those letters with you on a picnic before the ceremony. Try going out in the evening and eating just before sunset. Any spot with a fire pit or fireplace works for this date. Make sure to take along a guaranteed fire source; the coffee log is an environmentally friendly option. Most non-survivalists have some frustration getting a fire going and you do not want that angst to color the ritual. Once you’ve built the fire into a blaze, you’re ready to begin.

In turn, each partner needs to admit causing pain in the relationship. Both of you should explain how deeply you regret any hurt you mayhave caused. If you know of specific instances where you acted callously that have become the topic of open disagreement, name those times and beg for forgiveness. Only cite hurts you both already know about. Ask for your partner’s forgiveness and tell him or her how much you want to share real happiness and how deeply you want your partner to take off any weight they’ve been carrying around. The unseen list should remain hidden until the fires consume it and allow you to have spring in your relationship.

The partner granting forgiveness should pause and consider before responding. “I forgive you” need not have a reflexive, automatic tone to it. Consider the magnitude of what you’re granting. Think about what your partner has brought up and consider what might be in his or her envelope. You know what your list contains, and in a very real way you are forgiving yourself as you forgive your partner. Think about the words “I love you.” Often those three words are said between spouses at the end of conversations, and usually the sentence is quickly repeated back. The sentence means something, though. Even if you’ve uttered the words 200,000 times, the 200,001st recitation has meaning. Rather than hearing the phrase mimicked back, it’s sometimes helpful for people who love each other to consider the weight and power of their feeling.

What is true about “I love you” is doubly true of the sentences “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” Consider waiting at least a full minute while pondering the enormity of what you might be forgiving. Allow your mind to create a mental highlight reel of all the associated images and sounds, and symbolically dredge up every argument, every disappointment and every hurt. Then, forgive your partner.

After you say the words, “I forgive you,” watch your partner’s paperwork burn and know that what you just did was both symbolic and real. Guilt is an abstract concept, but aching shoulders mean something, and forgiveness can lift pounds from shoulders. Toss into the fire not only the guilt from past transgressions but also the anger and resentment thatspilled onto your paper. Both lovers deserve release and forgiveness. After one person has asked for and received forgiveness, the other should repeat the process.

After each partner has pitched the paper and gone through the cleansing act of forgiveness, hold each other close until the time seems right to celebrate the new year. To lighten the spirit of the evening, you might open a bottle of wine, make music, burn sage, or throw colored salts into the flames. The best way to mark the celebration might depend on how remote a location you and your lover have found. If you’re in town, popping the champagne cork and kissing at midnight are traditional ways of starting a new year. If you’ve found a secluded enough spot, fire off a few bottle rockets. The ancients believe the fields needed human examples in order to become fertile. A different kind of fireworks might therefore also be in order.