Scent is the language of memory. Humans associate smells with events in their lives, and the complicated neurochemistry that allows us to remember the past is inextricably intertwined with our sense of smell. People rely heavily on words associated with other senses when describing smells. Perfumes have notes and bouquets. We also liberally use words associated with taste when describing aromas. Spicy. Bitter. Minty. There are also smells we don’t even know we take in; our bodies emit pheromones, or scent chemicals, to help attract lovers.

People, taking direction from companies that put fragrance in everything, create scent pollution. We deodorize and perfume our bodies, spray and scent our rooms. We give harsh chemicals a scent makeover; even bleach shows up in tropical and citrus incarnations. Aldous Huxley’s novel, Brave New World, describes a sanitized future where unpleasant odors are systematically covered up as part of an effort to eliminate all unpleasantness from the human experience. This manipulation treats anything real as revolting.

Our calling as sensualists does not include the job of ensuring that our partners never hurt or go through a negative experience. Loving partners comfort each other in times of crisis, but refuse to shield one another from the rigors of life. After all, love without the possibility of loss exists only in romantic fiction. The risk inherent in loving someone makes that state of being real. Without the risk of pain, love is not love at all.

This date will give you an opportunity to experience the full range of your partner’s emotional memories, elicited from a variety of scents (the fuel of human remembrance), before you comfort him or her with a warm, soothing bath. The luxury of the water and the scents you add to it will seal in the new memories you will make after the bath has ended. When you explore your sense of smell with your constant companion, you promise not to bring them a host of floral scents, but to bring them instead a kaleidoscope of smells. Each aroma represents a promise to comfort them through a lifetime of associated memories.

In part, this date asks you to take a history from your lover, one scent at a time. Prepare about ten different scents from a variety of sources in ten different cups. Seat your partner in a comfortable chair in a room you have vacuumed and cleaned with nothing but soap and water (as opposed to perfumed chemicals). You might play music softly in the background. As you introduce each scent, ask a variation of the reporter’s questions from SPIRIT. Ask your partner, the receiver, not whether they like the fragrance, but what thoughts and feelings each smell prompts. Ask, “Who does it remind you of? When did that happen? Where else have you encountered this odor? Why do you think you make that particular association?” Promise your partner that you will make no judgments about their answers and give them permission to tell you the first associations the scent calls up from memory.

Remember to grind some coffee beans and keep them available throughout the Scent of Memory date. The freshly ground coffee will act as a palette cleanser in much the same way that bread or a cracker and clean water work to separate wines during a wine tasting. You don’t need to disguise any of the scents, but you can consider heating them to bring the odors to their full potential.